First time I learned I was pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. 9 months from that time, would mean I can't go out with friends up to the wee hours in the morning...I can't sleep in on weekends...I can't do things on a whim anymore...or buy things on a whim...and what is this pregnancy going to do to my body? Don't even get me started on the financial burden this is going to be to raise a child because I had no idea how we're going to go through with that as well. Life will definitely change as I knew it.
But it is what it is, and I've heard from a lot of people who have gushed on the wonders of parenthood, that this will all lead to something great. As such I embraced my fate with open arms...frightened, but armed with hope that good things will come.
Then i saw her for the first time and I thought...is she really mine? I thought that the first bonding moments would bring you to tears? I absolutely had none of those. I look at her and I see this dark little thing staring back at me with her huge eyes who refuses to breastfeed from me. But I held her tender little fragile body (seriously little body as she was only a little over 5lbs born at full term...she won't even fit on an Asian newborn diaper) with much care.
Took me a while to bond with her but it was a gradual, blissful process...can't stop talking about her and thinking about her when I went back to work...all the reactions of new love except that I know for sure that this one is for real and is going to be forever. So you don't put boundaries on loving this new person...you don't put on walls or limit yourself (Like I normally would). For her, you drop anything that's going on in your life. This is not because I'm being responsible of another person's life, but mainly because I love her with such purity and sincerity.
It is fascinating too how you look at your kid and feel like you're looking in a mirror. It's like being in an out-of-body experience seeing little pieces of yourself and your spouse all in one body. She absolutely got my smile and my face, but she's got her Dad's eyes for sure. She definitely got my lanky bone structure, but got her Dad's sense of humor.
In almost any phase of parenthood comes power struggle in various degrees (some on the 2's and 3's, and more during the teenage years, I figure). Even if you want to give your kid everything, you realize that this is where we all start with the tough love. Boy, would it be nice to keep a kid from whining by giving her the toy she wants just to get it over with. Unfortunately it's not that easy. If you cave in to what they want, they will just want more like any normal person would.
The higher road is to make them stop whining without the toy, bribing or promises. It is definitely harder to make this happen considering the drama that comes along with the discipline process. At some point, I became the villain in our household because I was the disciplinarian parent (for some reason I took on the role because of my natural tendencies). However, in the end, the long term benefits would outweigh the efforts. It teaches them life lessons and builds their character...delaying gratification and appreciating things in a different way.
I don't claim to be an expert parent or a super mom. I still consider myself a novice as I continue to stuggle figuring if I'm providing enough or too much discipline, if I restrict or if I am lax. At 6yo, my daughter is not allowed to drink soda, chew gum, paint her nails, go on sleepovers and hardly knows who Ronald McDonald is. But I am guilty about not monitoring TV hours, and she goes to bed at 9pm (later than most kids). Yes, I give her treats (yes, sugar!) after dinner and on weekends she has access to video games on her computer, iPad, Wii and DS. Yes, not your perfect mother. But I know for sure that I'm trying my very best to make sure that she grows up as a happy, healthy, well-balanced kid who knows that she is well-loved. I'm thankful too that she is.
Being a mother consumes me more than any other role I have played before. Cliche as it may seem but this is the best adventure I've ever had.
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